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thoughts become things

40 is the new 20, unless you’re a worry wart!

There has been many-a-recent day that I’ve felt like a 40 year old EMO, sans black garb and piercings.  And many-a-recent day where bleakness has me cranking up the likes of Damien Rice and letting the tears flow….

(  I know, I know… Rice is not EMO, but I said I was LIKE EMO, not EMO… which is similar to Madonna singing about being LIKE a virgin…when she clearly wasn’t.)

Recently a certain someone-someone told me that I look way younger than my birth age,  BUT ONLY when I’m happy….. He went on to explain the conditional aspect of that compliment by telling me that when I am NOT happy, like when  I’m stressed or angry, I look much older.  GAH!!  Now part of me thinks that this could just be a clever ploy on his part to push my vanity button, so that I find motivation to climb out of this sink hole I’ve gotten myself in and he gets to hang out, once again, with a way mellower sun-shiny me….. You know what?!?? It worked.  Though I can’t afford Botox, I sure as hell can afford the time and energy it will take to get the sparkle back into my shine…..

So how did I get here?? When did the gray start to cloud out my color? I really don’t know…  All I know is I have been having a hard time lately with my optimism. It’s like I can’t close off the “what if” worst-case-scenario part of my brain. The irony here is that I’m a total believer in positive thinking.  But lately I find the “rules” that go along with that whole concept to be annoying.  For those of you not familiar with what I’m talking about, let me summarize positive thinking with a few of its basic concepts:

  • Thoughts become things
  • You must thank the universe for what you want, as if you already have it, with “I am thankful for… “ as in “I am thankful for my healthy pregnancy”
  • You must say “I am” statements to the universe, as in “I AM pregnant”
  • You must tell the universe your intentions, as in “It’s my intention to be pregnant”

Yes, for some this might be a bit woo-woo, but I’m a woo-woo sorta gal…. at least I used to be.  Somehow I need to find myself back into that positive woo-woo thinking state, without being resentful.  Lately, I get frustrated with the rules and feel like the universe is game playing me. It’s like the universe is saying,  “Sure, you can go to the party, but wait!  You forgot to say the magic phrase, so now I’m going to renege my answer and you can’t go… .nanna-nanna-naaaaaa-naaaaa!”   And even if I didn’t have to phrase things “just so”, it’s hard to let go and just accept that things are going to turn out…

See, there I go breaking the rules AGAIN… with all the negativity and by questioning the end game.  GAH!! I feel my forehead furrowed and my age-ith do show-ith.

This is not a blog where I wrap it up by telling you how I’ve overcome this dilemma.  No, this is just a bit of me “talking” out loud regarding the thoughts in my brain. I have no answers at the moment… I just know that perhaps as a starting place, perhaps I need to put aside my Damien Rice and put in George Michael instead.  Because at the end of the day, I’ve gotta have faith. I’ve gotta have faith-a-faith-a-faith!