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Once in a Lifetime…

David Byrne once said, “You may ask yourself, well, how did I get here?” and if I were to answer him…. I’d have to say, “I really don’t know…”

As it turns out, it was not the hectic schedule of baby making that had me crabby…. no, it’s just life in general. On paper every thing is easy: Emotion is easy. Relationships are easy. Jobs are easy. Parenting is easy. Raising dogs is easy. Keeping up on the house is easy. Waking up at 7 a.m is easy. Cooking is easy. Working out is easy. Taking your daily vitamins is easy. Decluttering is easy. Cleaning the garage is easy. Being social is easy. Drinking 8 oz of water is easy. Finding yourself…. it’s all easy. Put the figurative pencil down and actually IN REAL LIFE start on the list of things to-do, all of a sudden it’s not so easy.

Last week I made an appointment for this Wednesday at a fertility clinic, but today I called and canceled the appointment.

Life on paper I can handle…. but in real life, lately I’ve started cracking at the seam. I want to be this superwoman, this cougar-about-town… but instead, I started cracking from the weight of everything raining down. Everything started happening at once. My boyfriend lost his job, my 18 year old daughter flew out of the nest, my boyfriend moved in, we’re merging, my body is aging…. there has been job seeking, house hunting, baby making, empty nesting, visitors visiting, dog walking, weight gaining, no-coffee drinking, co-habituating…. and everything, EVERYTHING, is in flux. I could not tell you where I will be in three months and that is freaking me all the hell out.

On paper I am a saint. A SAINT. But in real life, I’m a porcupine. Cute from a distance, but a bit prickly to live with. And tired of getting poked (in a bad way) my boyfriend has decided to take a break for a bit and has hit the road….. I can’t say I blame him. At the moment I think that the only ones who really can tolerate me are my dogs. But only if I walk them….

ANYway… I wasn’t going to blog this…. but it’s part of the process. If we make it through this and end up pregnant…. this was part of the process. So here it is. I wish I could jump into the figurative piece of paper, like an Aha video, but this is reality…. though sometimes it feels unreal.

David Byrne also said, “And she was looking at herself/ And things were looking like a movie/ she had a pleasant elevation/ she’s moving out in all directions/ oh oh oh….”

I can not help but wonder how the movie ends…