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getting pregnant

Eggs on film…. an anniversary story.

Tomorrow is a big day. Tomorrow’s testing will be the deciding factor in whether or not the GAME-IS-ON for IVF. Tomorrow I strip, scooch down to the end of a table and spread for a nice man in a white coat (that’s an indicator that he’s the good guy), while letting him explore my nether regions with a probe that projects the whole thing onto a huge flat-screen hanging from the wall…. not exactly how I’d envisioned spending my two year anniversary, but fairly close.

Yes it’s true, coincidentally, tomorrow will be the two year anniversary of when my guy and I met, an event that led to where I am today: trying to have a baby at 40, when my one and only other child has JUST flown the nest.

Unlike previous/recent appointments, I have not had one pre-appointment-mini-melt-down and no irrational tears have been shed. No crying at work. No crying at my doctors office. No crying during an end-all fight with my future baby daddy. No… I’ve been quite happy the last few days, which is really strange because it was all-star-PMS week too. Here I am in the midst of the final seconds of the IVF game, where if I win, we go to the IVF play-offs…. GO TEAM GO. Meanwhile I’m calm… very-very calm…. and all this inner calmness is starting to freak me out.

The pivotal moment has arrived. From our last appointment they learned my mid-cycle endometrial lining was excellent, but my follicle count was a bit low: 4 on one side and 6 on the other. Not even a bakers dozen. However, it wasn’t so low that we were rejected out of the program. Tomorrow they will take a day-three looksie to find out what my antral follicle count is. They’ll also do more blood work to see if my day three levels are the same as they were last time, which were okay, but not great (FSH 5.61, Estridol 92, and LH 2.16). Yes, yes.. I know, for those who don’t speak Over-40-Baby-Making-101 all of this is a bit of gibberish, but trust me, these numbers and tests are important to the baby making process! Sadly, the numbers are more necessary than having the s-e-x! Turns out you can have a baby after forty with good numbers and no sex, but you can’t have a baby after forty with bad numbers and lots of sex. HMPH!

So far everyone at the fertility clinic have been very reassuring as to thinking that we’re in. I however do not count my chickens before their little follicular eggs hatch!

Stay tuned…. things are going to get exciting. Maybe. I hope.

Not Pregnant

I do not consider myself infertile, which is ironic because I’m seemingly not able to get pregnant….

The Clomid did not work. I could feel the Clomid in my system, since I would wake up in the middle of the night feeling pretty damn nauseous. As for poppin’ the eggs out, I don’t know that it did . At first I was excited, because I didn’t experience any of my normal PMS-y type of stuff when I should have been. I was confused because the pregnancy tests were coming back negative, but the PMS was not kicking in. I was about to declare Clomid worth in, just because I thought I wasn’t having any PMS.

Me: I should be PMS-ing, but I don’t feel suicidal at all… isn’t it grand?!?
Him: Really, this is PMS week?? You’re not homicidal either! YAY!

Turns out Clomid didn’t do away with the PMS, nor knock me up, it just delayed my cycle. About a week later my suicidal/homicidal tendencies kicked in. All was back to norm and another month was shot down.

I’ve always been under the assumption that it was the fertility meds that wreaked havoc on a relationship, but now I think it’s the baby making business in general that does it. This month I was asked once again to give up the temping and charting…. and to just let things happen. He told me that he loves the thought of having children with me, but that this baby making is ruining our relationship. I’m too focused on it. I’m too driven. The sex is becoming too scheduled and then the mating frenzy tends to fade out at the end of the month when the big “O” is past and there is no chance of impregnation. (“o” is for ovulation)

And here is where the curse of being a cougar comes into play. He’s 30…. I am not. Two 30 somethings walk into a bar and fall in love… they have another good 5 or 6 years of playing it cool with the “lets see what happens and lets go with the flow-free-lovin-sex….” But for me, I’m 40… in another 5 or 6 years I’m not only 40, but I’m in my LATE 40’s. That baby makin magic will long be dead at that point.

Quite a quandary I find myself in. To make a baby without TRYING to make a baby, AND to get this done within the next couple of years.

So I agree, again, to just stop with the trying…. And then, just like that, an interesting development occurs. A friend spots an ad in the online SF Chronicle telling of FREE IVF. He forwards the ad link to me and I call the number. There is a new drug study going on across the United States and San Jose has one of the clinics participating in the study. It’s a drug that will cut down the daily shots involved with IFV to just one shot per week. It’s a drug that’s already in use in Europe…..

I’m game! So I call up and answer some preliminary questions and am ok’d to proceed. I was to set up an appointment and get some tests done, if all my levels are good… we’re in. Free IVF!!!

I’m not counting my chickens yet…. but I’m super hopeful. My appointment is in a couple of weeks… After that, I don’t know what the time frame will be. Perhaps in two months time I will be getting daily shots into my stomach… and in two months two weeks, I’ll be getting implanted with two embryos… and in three months time…. maybe, just maybe…. I’ll finally be seeing two lines on a pee stick.


If someone were to ask me if I were accident prone, I’d whole heatedly deny it. But then, if they persisted and asked a few more questions, there might be doubt cast on my denial.

Question : Have you ever been in any jarring event, something that snaps your neck or body??

Answer: Um, I’d like you to meet LOLA and LULU… my two chocolate labs. Every walk with them has a snap-crackle-pop!

Question: Have you ever fell??

Answer: You mean like down the stairs?? There’s been….. a few times.

Question: Have you ever been in a collision?

Answer: Well, not a car wreck, if that’s what you mean.

Question: Have you ever collided with something other than a car??

Answer: Yes, my vacuum cleaner.

Question: Your vacuum cleaner?!?

Answer: Yes. A few times.

Question: How did you collide with your vacuum?

Answer: While vacuuming the stairs… what goes up, must come down….. OH WAIT, now that I think about it, I WAS in a car accident. I totaled my car. Forgot about that one.

Question: Have you ever had a sports related injury?

Answer: Define sport…

Question: Any activity while you were being active….

Answer: Well, I shot off the back of a treadmill once… oh wait, I think that happened twice. And then there was the time I went snow boarding

Question: How is your desk at work?? How do you sit?? Are you ergonomically correct??

Answer: Um, pass…. Next question….

AND the list could go on and on…. IF I were to be asked the right questions.

Sooooo, guess who had a chiropractic appointment today?? And guess who is totally outta whack and misaligned. Yes, that would be me. For a couple weeks my neck has been wound tighter than the inside of a golf ball (that would be reference to a golf ball from my childhood, they might have different stuff in them now). Coincidentally, a friend suggested that I go to a chiropractor for fertility and it was on my list of things to do. So, even if my neck wasn’t messed up, I was planning on making my way to an office soon. Wouldn’t it be wild if I wind up pregnant this month?? I mean aside from the fact that IT WOULD be wild, but you know what I mean. WHAT I’m trying to say is that I’m a bit woo-woo…. and I find myself with this reoccurring neck issue, one that has been coming and going for a few years. But this time it’s sticking around with no relief in site, so much so that it’s making me turn to chiropractic care sooner than I would have done. And what do I find, that my whole lower back, in addition to my upper back and neck, are totally messed up!

Yes, yes… I can hear the skeptic out there saying “it’s a sham, of course they’re going to say you’re messed up…” BUT, to those nay-sayers…. I point out the above question/answer section. I do not exaggerate! And all that jarring had to do something, right??

I suppose, in the end… the pee stick will do the talking. I either will be greeted with one line, or two. AND no matter which one greets me, at least by then I’ll have a happy neck. I hope.

Perfectly Imperfect

This morning, before work, I drank a decaf latte’….. this afternoon, after work, I popped a Clomid. And this evening, on the drive home from my acupuncture appointment, I contemplated how I can let loose and let go and stop being so uptight…. my gawd, I am a woman who spell checks her drunk emails.

I’m not exactly sure how I’m going to de-anal my anal… but I think that for the sake of my tense neck, and my relationship, I’m going to have to start letting things go. Shake the crazy out a bit and just live.

The irony of this is that I’m a failed perfectionist, because the perfection is not what is accomplished, but the expectations that I put on myself in my mind. I can never live up to the to-do list in my brain. So I am always behind in what I want to be and where I want to be….

SO, my assignment, should I choose to accept it… is to de-anal my holiday season. I figure that’s a good place to start, since gobble-gobble day is fast approaching. I will let myself off the hook and just figure that my house is NOT going to be perfect for the arrival of the boyfriend’s mom’s week long stay… to balance things out, I will play a marathon of “Hoarders” on the TV and my house will look pristine by comparison!

And yes, I was not kidding… I did take Clomid. I figure why the hell not. My doctor, who presumably went to medical school, prescribed it…. and it was sitting there, all pertty like, and I’m supposed to take it on day five of my cycle… and low and behold, it happened to be day five. Soooo… I took it. And will take it again and again, for the next few days. AND maybe, just MAYbe….. something will happen.

Deer in Headlights….

The past weeks that I’ve stopped temping have brought me to a stand still. No longer obsessing over temps or every imaginary “symptom,” I am suddenly struck immobile. Stuck in a tic-toc-I’m-40-and-still-not-pregnant panic.

Actually, let me clarify something…. I not reeeeally all the way immobile, since we have been doing SOMETHING… we’ve been following “Scott’s Method” for getting pregnant:

Lots and lots of sex…. and just when you think that you can’t do IT again, do it some more.

Still, here I sit with all the right ingredients inside me, yet no bun in the oven. I really don’t know how to proceed. I feel so lost. I read books where these ANGELIC doctors practically take their patient by the hand and lead them down the right fertility path. A path that isn’t necessarily paved with “$$” signs. Where…. WHERE… WHEEEERE is this doctor in real life??!?

Though I truly enjoyed the doctor who performed my tubal ligation reversal, his path was definitely paved with dollar signs. And though we chose the cheapest path, it still cost us some outta pocket cha-CHING.

So here I sit, wondering what way I’m going to go next. Do we keep up the invigorating pace of the “Scott Method”…..OR, do we go….. to…… another…… fertility clinic.

There’s this pressure that I feel, regardless of whether it makes sense or not, that I’m not living up to my potential. That my body has let me down. Though I can out walk my dogs, my loverrrr and even my 18 year old daughter… the numbers four and zero still have affixed themselves like a badge on my chest.

At this point I’ve had surgery, given up coffee, have been driving an hour and fifteen minutes once a week for acupuncture and have been avoiding soy products (tough for someone who is not eating meat).

Next month will be six months of trying. Time is ticking away and I’ve got to decide what is next. Fertility clinic, taking Clomid…. or just letting “nature take its course” and hope for the best.

Hmmm….. I really don’t have an answer yet. But the clock is telling me that the Jeopardy game show music is about to end and it’s time for my final answer.

to be continued…..

The C-Word



And that was the sound of my faux-OCD-self coming to a complete halt in this baby making business. NO, we’ve not put our plans on hold, just the obsessing part. And when I talk about the obsessing part… in all fairness, there is no “WE” involved…. just little ol’ mature-maternal-baby-making aged me.

When you find yourself peeing on a pregnancy test for the third time in one day, you might have a problem. And the crabbiness that results from monitoring my barren womb THAT closely…ON TOP of having just given up coffee…. well, that doesn’t exactly build the type of environment that makes the baby MAKING part of the equation organically happen. Do you get what I’m saying??

Sandy’s Simple How NOT to Make a Baby Equation:

Me (-coffee) + obsessing = shrew

shrew + man = no nudge-nudge-wink-wink

IF (nudge-nudge-wink-wink = NO)   THEN (no babies)

It was with the above knowledge in mind that I sat in the kitchen with the prescription of Clomid in my hand. Clomid, for those of you who are unfamiliar, is a common fertility medicine. It will trick your body and mess with your hormones to pop out some eggs. Some of the side effects include multiples (as in TWINS), hot flashes, bloating, and mood swings. Interestingly enough, it wasn’t the twins part of that information that scared me. Like I said before, I’m too old to be havin’ to have babies one at a time, so twins would be a welcome Clomid side effect.  HOWEVER,  it was THE OTHER side effects that had me petrified. I feared what would happen to my relationship if I was a woman experiencing PMS on steroids.

So it’s with Scott’s blessing that I’m taking a break from all the extra’s involved in this process. I’ve not taken my temperature in over a week and there has been no peeing on any sort of stick. … and the Clomid remains in its container…… for now.

Universe are you there? It’s me… Sandy.

I was truly expecting that I’d be expecting after only one month of trying. From the depths of my inner being I just KNEW it was fated.  After all, I AM a positive thinker.

Perhaps I didn’t phrase it correctly when I presented the universe with my intentions, because here I am five months later and my womb is still vacant.

After the deed wasn’t accomplished in that first month… I began to worry. This is fated, right? RIGHT?!?!??  Well, if the Universe was going to make me work for this, then I decided I’d better get serious about it…. Time to get educated. Time to get my laptop out and visit some forums…..

Immediately I encountered a problem…. I had no friggon idea what they were talking about. I mean, literally… no idea what they were even discussing. See for yourself, here’s a typical forum post:

“Me and my DH BD’d 15 days ago, then he had to go out-of-town. When he got back, 5 days ago, we bd again. Now I’m 6dpo and I couldn’t help but poas, because I’m addicted lol. Thing is, I got a BFP!!!! Does that mean I calculated wrong?!?”

Seriously! That’s what It was like. I felt like I was back in school and having to look up every word I didn’t understand… jotting down the definitions, so I would remember what they meant for the next time.

(FYI: the above fictitious post was a woman talking about having sex with her husband 15 days ago and then again after his business trip, 5 days ago. She’s now thinking shes 6 days after ovulation and she got a positive pregnancy test. So she’s thinking that she messed up her ovulation calculations.)

When I first started wandering around the forums, I was SHOCKED at how many YOUNG women out there are unable to get pregnant. How is this possible?? And what does that mean for me? Here are 20 year old’s talking about how they’ve been trying to conceive for months and months…. and still nothing. There are posts I read from women in their early 30’s who had already opted into IVF treatments and have still not gotten pregnant…. So five months in, compared to many of the women on the forums, doesn’t seem very far in it at all. However, my being 40 adds more pressure to the timing. For a woman of mature maternal age, the game changes. It’s like counting in dog years…… my eggs have no doubt accelerated their aging process and now are kickin’ it 7 times as fast as a 20 year olds!

I promised myself that I would not panic…. I would not become as crazy as some of the crazy I witnessed on the forums. I would not start stomping my feet (metaphorically or otherwise) while yelling at the universe about how my biological clock is TIC-TIC-TICKING!!!! And though the 15 pregnancy tests and 25 ovulation test strips underneath my bathroom sink are sorta screaming, “Tooooo late, you’re there…” I am trying to do my best to keep sane, stay positive and not give up hope.

But my foot is twitching and I might feel a stomp coming on….