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dom deluise

Honey, Honey…

When I was growing up, my parents would often reference a 1980’s movie “Fatso”. Perhaps you’ve never heard of this movie? For some, it’s a cult classic about eating, being a part of an Italian family, and watching the lovable Dom Deluise. In one scene, Dom’s character calls his support group over to help him through a crisis. They all gather in his living room and the conversation begins to drift deeply into talking about food. All during their erotic food talk, they are each drinking the hot water with lemon that they are allowed to drink on their diets. Pretty soon the lemon is not enough to satiate their cravings and the Dom character asks his brother for honey. His brother reminds him that the honey is kept behind lock cabinet doors, indicating it is off limits. In an “I mean business voice”, the Dom character orders his brother, “Junior, get the honey!!!” Chaos, mayhem, and the inevitable food orgy ensues…

My parents loved this scene and would often expound upon the “get the honey line” The running joke between my parents would be to suggest that this, or that, food item would be better with a little honey.

Today, after coming home from the vet with my newly labeled “overweight” dogs… I found myself thinking that same line. As I mentally went over what the vet had told me were acceptable snack items:

Carrots, plain. Apples, plain. Canned pumpkins, unsweetened….

I found myself saying, “Poor dogs… I bet this would taste better with a bit honey on it.” But they didn’t laugh…. perhaps they haven’t seen the movie.

I felt I should cover my dogs ears while the vet was expounding on the reasons behind why they were not an acceptable weight. When she leaned down and explained how my dogs had fake wastes, accentuated by their larger than recommended chest section. OUCH! Lola, the heavier of the two, seemed to take all of this in stride, until without even slowing down, or issuing a warning, the vet stuck a thermometer up her butt. Um, the dogs, not the vets.

Lola looked at me with a, “are you kidding me?? are you f*cking kidding me?” Sort of look…. and I thought,”well at least it’s distracting her from all this weight talk.”

It’s embarrassing to answer the questions about my dog feeding habits. Yes, I fill up their bowl whenever it is empty. Yes, I feed them scraps off of my plate. Yes, I will give them treat after treat… because it’s fun to throw it at them and watch them catch it mid air. My dogs eye/mouth coordination is da bomb!

Feedings will now be limited to one in the morning, and again in the evening. The vet suggests that this will be harder on me, the owner, than it will be to the dogs. Yeah, tell that to Lola when she gets her 2 a.m. munchies!

We are now signed up for a small town doggie version of “The Biggest Loser”. My dogs had their weight recorded, their before pictures taken, and instructions on their new diet. As I held the diet plan in my hand, my inner competitor kicked in and I had thoughts of donning spandex and an in-your-face Jillian Michaels like attitude. “I said give me 20! Now lay down! Roll over, repeat!! You’ve got to want it dog!! Roll over, repeat!! You’ll be running laps dog!! Do you want it?!? Do you want it?!? How bad do you want it….”

Ok, maybe she’s not that much of a bitch, it’s been a while since I actually watch the show. But, from what I can remember, she was pretty scary!! More than likely I will channel Bob Harper and just cry WITH the dogs and help show them their true potential… that seems more like the dog way.

Meanwhile, I give the frozen carrots a shot. The vet made the mistake of saying that they can eat these throughout the day. It sounds a bit like the Atkins diet, where you get the unlimited amount of veggies. I take two frozen carrots out of the bag and toss them in the air. My dogs do their magic and in a synchronized fashion they both catch the frozen carrots mid air…. then…. simultaneously they both spit them out! After a little sniffing, they give the carrots another try. They decide like them. I toss them another…. then another… boy, this is fun…