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Eat. Love. STAY!!!

Eat. Love. STAY!!!

I read a random quote that stated beautifully, “It came to me that every time I lose a dog they take a piece of my heart with them. And every new dog that comes into my life gifts me with a piece of their heart. If I live long enough, all the components of my heart will be dog, and I will become as generous and loving as they are.” – Unknown

I am going to take this quote home and read it to my two chocolate labs. I will especially point out that last sentence. …

“See girls! You’re love and generous… PERIOD!! There’s no follow up that states this is rendered void if you see a cat, another dog, or a random deer!!

Don’t get me wrong, my dogs are awesome! As long as we do not leave the house and nobody comes to visit us…. I have THE PERFECT dogs! Well… almost the perfect dogs. Lola, the bigger of the two talks-like-a-woman-walks-like-a-man dog, is a wee bit of a neurotic talker. But other than that…. Perfect!

Unfortunately, life gets in the way and we can’t stay locked up in the house forever. So as many nights a week that I can cowboy up to the task….. I walk my little angels.

If I had a quarter for every time a person told me that I was not trying hard enough to train my dogs…. Well, I’d have a nice sized sack of quarters to knock them upside the head with!

I’ve taken my two dogs to training. I bought the required choke collar and showed up early for each scheduled one-on-one tete-a-tete. Every week I’d alternate dogs and every week we’d walk in circles healing , stopping, starting, walking…. The instructor pointed out that one of my dogs was eager to please, while the other one… not so much.

Practice in between sessions was teeter totter-ish. I’d command “SIT!” and one dogs butt would hit the floor, but by the time the other dogs butt hit the floor… the first dogs butt was back up. One butt up, one butt down, one butt up, one butt down….

I’ve tried treats, but on a walk it’s the FRESH MEAT that trumps the beef jerky in my pocket. I’ve tried collars… a heap of discarded and defunct collars are in a bucket in my garage. Gentle leader my arse!! I’m about to shell out another $40 on the Dog Whisperers Illusion collar, because THIS TIME….. THIS TIME it’s going to answer all my prayers (and internal curses).

For those who think I’ve not made any progress…. You should have seen us a few years ago, when coming home from a walk might be accompanied by scraped knees and blood. My knees, my blood….. do dogs even have knees??

I will not give up. I will not be thwarted. We might be taking baby-baby steps, but we are moving in the right direction. In the interim, I’ve taken to playing the Dog Whisperer during the evening. Even if I’m not in the room, I play it… hoping that the great Cesar Millan will, in some sort of miraculous way, reach my dogs on some sort of doggy-subconscious level. Though, Cesar… you might need to speak a little bit louder than a whisper with these two…

Optomistic Lemming

There’s a great scene in the movie ‘(500) Days of Summer’ where a split screen demonstrates the intersection of expectations and reality. They meet and right when it seems as if they might merge on the same path, they often go their separate ways…..

And so it was with the expectation and reality of my New Year resolutions: They did their meet and greet and almost hung out for a week or two;  though, I suppose it would be more accurate to say that they just discussed getting together. They met at the threshold and exchanged numbers, but reality is screening my calls.

What I’m trying to say is, I’ve not been sticking to my New Years resolutions. Hell… I can’t even remember what they are!

Statistically speaking, I am a lemming. Scan the Internet for various New Year resolution stats and you’ll find that around 90% of all optimistic reolution-ers do not follow through with keeping their resolutions. People can talk the talk, but to walk the walk would mean exercise and that my friends holds the number one spot on most resolution lists (exercise more)…. which means it’s not going to happen!

You might think the blog entry ends here, with my weeping whimper of defeat…. BUT NO! I’m going to go and review my list of resolution’s and come up with a plan-o-action. BRB!

I’m back.

Shit.

This is not going well.

Don’t believe me?? Please join me in taking a little look at the dueling Expectation Vs. Reality of my 2010 New Year’s resolution’s:

In the left corner, you will see Expectation, weighing in at 121 lbs., very svelte… yet curvy and optimistic. In the right corner…., please say hello to Reality! Reality weighs in at 133, remarkably curvy…. less svelte, but still optimistic.

Expectation and Reality shake hands and they’re off!!

Expectation:

Walk the dogs AT LEAST 4 times a week!!

Reality:

I’ve walked the dogs four times….. in the last three weeks.

Expectation:

Cook a REAL dinner at least once a week!

Reality:

I just loaded my freezer with frozen dinners.

Expectation:

Lose 10 pounds

Reality:

Make that 13 pounds, since I’ve gained three pounds since writing the list!

Expectation:

Read more…the old school way!

Reality:

I’ve put a stack of books on my bedside table. They need dusting.

Like I said before: shit.

I AM NOT A LEMMING….. I am NOT a lemming….

To be continued…

Honey, Honey…

When I was growing up, my parents would often reference a 1980’s movie “Fatso”. Perhaps you’ve never heard of this movie? For some, it’s a cult classic about eating, being a part of an Italian family, and watching the lovable Dom Deluise. In one scene, Dom’s character calls his support group over to help him through a crisis. They all gather in his living room and the conversation begins to drift deeply into talking about food. All during their erotic food talk, they are each drinking the hot water with lemon that they are allowed to drink on their diets. Pretty soon the lemon is not enough to satiate their cravings and the Dom character asks his brother for honey. His brother reminds him that the honey is kept behind lock cabinet doors, indicating it is off limits. In an “I mean business voice”, the Dom character orders his brother, “Junior, get the honey!!!” Chaos, mayhem, and the inevitable food orgy ensues…

My parents loved this scene and would often expound upon the “get the honey line” The running joke between my parents would be to suggest that this, or that, food item would be better with a little honey.

Today, after coming home from the vet with my newly labeled “overweight” dogs… I found myself thinking that same line. As I mentally went over what the vet had told me were acceptable snack items:

Carrots, plain. Apples, plain. Canned pumpkins, unsweetened….

I found myself saying, “Poor dogs… I bet this would taste better with a bit honey on it.” But they didn’t laugh…. perhaps they haven’t seen the movie.

I felt I should cover my dogs ears while the vet was expounding on the reasons behind why they were not an acceptable weight. When she leaned down and explained how my dogs had fake wastes, accentuated by their larger than recommended chest section. OUCH! Lola, the heavier of the two, seemed to take all of this in stride, until without even slowing down, or issuing a warning, the vet stuck a thermometer up her butt. Um, the dogs, not the vets.

Lola looked at me with a, “are you kidding me?? are you f*cking kidding me?” Sort of look…. and I thought,”well at least it’s distracting her from all this weight talk.”

It’s embarrassing to answer the questions about my dog feeding habits. Yes, I fill up their bowl whenever it is empty. Yes, I feed them scraps off of my plate. Yes, I will give them treat after treat… because it’s fun to throw it at them and watch them catch it mid air. My dogs eye/mouth coordination is da bomb!

Feedings will now be limited to one in the morning, and again in the evening. The vet suggests that this will be harder on me, the owner, than it will be to the dogs. Yeah, tell that to Lola when she gets her 2 a.m. munchies!

We are now signed up for a small town doggie version of “The Biggest Loser”. My dogs had their weight recorded, their before pictures taken, and instructions on their new diet. As I held the diet plan in my hand, my inner competitor kicked in and I had thoughts of donning spandex and an in-your-face Jillian Michaels like attitude. “I said give me 20! Now lay down! Roll over, repeat!! You’ve got to want it dog!! Roll over, repeat!! You’ll be running laps dog!! Do you want it?!? Do you want it?!? How bad do you want it….”

Ok, maybe she’s not that much of a bitch, it’s been a while since I actually watch the show. But, from what I can remember, she was pretty scary!! More than likely I will channel Bob Harper and just cry WITH the dogs and help show them their true potential… that seems more like the dog way.

Meanwhile, I give the frozen carrots a shot. The vet made the mistake of saying that they can eat these throughout the day. It sounds a bit like the Atkins diet, where you get the unlimited amount of veggies. I take two frozen carrots out of the bag and toss them in the air. My dogs do their magic and in a synchronized fashion they both catch the frozen carrots mid air…. then…. simultaneously they both spit them out! After a little sniffing, they give the carrots another try. They decide like them. I toss them another…. then another… boy, this is fun…

Working class dog…

Poke.

Poke.

Poke.

It’s my dog, the quiet one. She doesn’t whine loudly like the other one, she’s a bit more subtle. Though, just as persistent as the other one… the one with the loud voice.

Poke.

Poke.

Poke.

She’s back, like a 9 month old, who can only give you garbley gook and crying. Though, to be fair, there is laughing too.

Poke.

Poke.

Poke.

I think it would be easier if she could talk. But, unlike the 9 month old, she’ll never grow into her words. As a result, I’m left to counting down my list of things she might want…

“Outside?? Do you want to go outside??”

“Hungry, are ya hungry girl?? Hungry??”

“Walk?? Do you want to go for a walk??”

Though, I never… under any circumstances…ask about the walk, unless I’m ready to commit. Because, of course, they ALWAYS want to go for a walk. We can come home from a walk and they’ll want to go for another walk, with as much enthusiasm as if they had not been for a walk in a month.

Poke.

Poke.

Poke.

I checked her food, it’s fine. Her water, fine. That leaves only two things: play time or walk time. The fact that I am running low on energy and have already had a glass of wine poses a big problem. The lack of energy suggests that I could easily not have enough strength to manage two dogs and the glass of wine suggests I might lack the coordination.

The only option left……. house cleaning.

My dogs only leave me alone under one situation. No, not sleep. No, not eating (duh). No, not while I’m talking on the phone. All the afore mentioned situations are not immune to the interruptions of either one of my dogs. The only way…. ONLY way…. I can assure not one interruption is if I’m house cleaning. What the frick? If I want total cooperation from either mutt, I need only pick up a dish, a dusting rag, a vacuum cleaner, or get to work with some kind of scrubbing and all of a sudden my attention whore dogs decide that they need to give me my space. If I had a husband, I would swear that they were in cahoots. But I don’t, so I’m baffled.

Poke.

Poke.

Poke.

I’m devising a new plan. I’m wondering if they will catch on if I were to sprout a third arm, a mechanical one, complete with dusting rag and unending movement….

Poke.

Poke.

Poke.

One sick puppy…

Today I left work early because I’m not feeling well. On the way home I stopped to get supplies:

  • Dog bones, the kind that are filled with doggie yum goodness
  • Doggie peanut butter chews
  • Doggie raw hide chews
  • Doggie assorted flavor mini-biscuits to use as Kong stuffers
  • Doggie gourmet soft food… to use as Kong stuffers
  • New Vanilla & Sandalwood essential oil candle… it smells like a man! Hahaha… oh gawd, but it does! I got it to cancel out the wet dog smell.
  • Pepto-Bismol… for my misbehaving stomach

And with that shopping I am ready to keep my dogs occupied and distracted (I hope!) so that I can actually get some rest.

Though…. By the barking Lola… Lola is having none of this “I’m sick” stuff. She sees that my legs arefunctioning and that’s good enough for her to expect that I’ll be taking them for a walk!

A Day in the Life…

  • I have a sneaky suspicion that my landlord replaced all of the light bulbs on the same day. It is with a blush that I will admit that I was finally forced to change light bulbs, when I ran out of alternative lighting sources to turn on. Two nights ago as I turned on a light, yet another bulb bit the dust… Standing there in darkness, I yelled out to Sonora, who was in the other room, “I guess this means it’s time to change the bulbs!”
  • Yesterday it was raining. When I went into the backyard to empty the trash, I found that I’d left the lawn mower outside, where it’d gotten rain on. I pushed it into the garage and noticed that it smelled of wet-cut-been-sitting-a-bit-grass. Not a pleasant smell. So, I pushed it to the back corner.
  • Today, after arriving home from walking the dogs, I notice that the house now how the icky lawn mower smell… someone, or some four legged furry thing, left the door open to the garage. Soooo, what do I do? I Febreeze the lawn mower! And it worked!!! I totally think they should put that on the can….
  • I’m trying to come up with at tone deaf song to sing at karaoke tonight. I am going to overcome my public fear of singing, the real reason I’m not a rock star….