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Not Pregnant

I do not consider myself infertile, which is ironic because I’m seemingly not able to get pregnant….

The Clomid did not work. I could feel the Clomid in my system, since I would wake up in the middle of the night feeling pretty damn nauseous. As for poppin’ the eggs out, I don’t know that it did . At first I was excited, because I didn’t experience any of my normal PMS-y type of stuff when I should have been. I was confused because the pregnancy tests were coming back negative, but the PMS was not kicking in. I was about to declare Clomid worth in, just because I thought I wasn’t having any PMS.

Me: I should be PMS-ing, but I don’t feel suicidal at all… isn’t it grand?!?
Him: Really, this is PMS week?? You’re not homicidal either! YAY!

Turns out Clomid didn’t do away with the PMS, nor knock me up, it just delayed my cycle. About a week later my suicidal/homicidal tendencies kicked in. All was back to norm and another month was shot down.

I’ve always been under the assumption that it was the fertility meds that wreaked havoc on a relationship, but now I think it’s the baby making business in general that does it. This month I was asked once again to give up the temping and charting…. and to just let things happen. He told me that he loves the thought of having children with me, but that this baby making is ruining our relationship. I’m too focused on it. I’m too driven. The sex is becoming too scheduled and then the mating frenzy tends to fade out at the end of the month when the big “O” is past and there is no chance of impregnation. (“o” is for ovulation)

And here is where the curse of being a cougar comes into play. He’s 30…. I am not. Two 30 somethings walk into a bar and fall in love… they have another good 5 or 6 years of playing it cool with the “lets see what happens and lets go with the flow-free-lovin-sex….” But for me, I’m 40… in another 5 or 6 years I’m not only 40, but I’m in my LATE 40’s. That baby makin magic will long be dead at that point.

Quite a quandary I find myself in. To make a baby without TRYING to make a baby, AND to get this done within the next couple of years.

So I agree, again, to just stop with the trying…. And then, just like that, an interesting development occurs. A friend spots an ad in the online SF Chronicle telling of FREE IVF. He forwards the ad link to me and I call the number. There is a new drug study going on across the United States and San Jose has one of the clinics participating in the study. It’s a drug that will cut down the daily shots involved with IFV to just one shot per week. It’s a drug that’s already in use in Europe…..

I’m game! So I call up and answer some preliminary questions and am ok’d to proceed. I was to set up an appointment and get some tests done, if all my levels are good… we’re in. Free IVF!!!

I’m not counting my chickens yet…. but I’m super hopeful. My appointment is in a couple of weeks… After that, I don’t know what the time frame will be. Perhaps in two months time I will be getting daily shots into my stomach… and in two months two weeks, I’ll be getting implanted with two embryos… and in three months time…. maybe, just maybe…. I’ll finally be seeing two lines on a pee stick.

In between days….

I’m in the midst of another *two week wait. I’m getting damn good at these. The first month we were trying, I was a total hyper-hypo and “felt” alllll sorts of symptoms. Now-a-days I just sort of lose track where I am, until I get close to a test date day…. But this month, since I have barely any pregnancy tests left (having peed through my bulk order in previous months early-testing-frenzies) I am now going to have to wait until I get to the end of the two weeks, which is next week sometime.

The cruel irony is that the second half of the two-week wait is PMS week. Which mean that when I’ve been finding out that yet another month has gone by and still no double lines…. I’m a PMS-y mess. Plus, many of the signs of PMS mimic the signs of pregnancy and vice versa.

So here I sit, wondering to myself if these things I feel are the arrival of Aunt Flo, or am I not going to see her for another 9 months?!? So far I’m experiencing all of my typical signs of PMS:

  • Urge to get a bad haircut
  • Elevated irritation with bf’s nocturnal sleeping habits
  • The “SCREW exercise!” attitude
  • Irritability
  • Wanting to get married
  • Craving chocolate
  • Aversion to the scale

But I took Clomid, DAMNIT! We’re supposed to be knocked up with twins this month!!! Alas, it’s looking like another month where I will be greeted by single lines on the stick. *sigh* Meanwhile, the clock ticks down closing out another two week wait…

*A two week wait, for those of you not in the know, is this: the two weeks following ovulation. During that time conception and implantation takes place…. leading up to where your body will spit out a bunch of pregnancy hormones that will magically make that second-YOU-ARE-PREGNANT-line appear on a pregnancy test.  The earliest you can test and get a positive is typically 10 days, depending on the sensitivity of the test. A lot of women will just wait until their period is due, which puts it at around two weeks after ovulation.

Perfectly Imperfect

This morning, before work, I drank a decaf latte’….. this afternoon, after work, I popped a Clomid. And this evening, on the drive home from my acupuncture appointment, I contemplated how I can let loose and let go and stop being so uptight…. my gawd, I am a woman who spell checks her drunk emails.

I’m not exactly sure how I’m going to de-anal my anal… but I think that for the sake of my tense neck, and my relationship, I’m going to have to start letting things go. Shake the crazy out a bit and just live.

The irony of this is that I’m a failed perfectionist, because the perfection is not what is accomplished, but the expectations that I put on myself in my mind. I can never live up to the to-do list in my brain. So I am always behind in what I want to be and where I want to be….

SO, my assignment, should I choose to accept it… is to de-anal my holiday season. I figure that’s a good place to start, since gobble-gobble day is fast approaching. I will let myself off the hook and just figure that my house is NOT going to be perfect for the arrival of the boyfriend’s mom’s week long stay… to balance things out, I will play a marathon of “Hoarders” on the TV and my house will look pristine by comparison!

And yes, I was not kidding… I did take Clomid. I figure why the hell not. My doctor, who presumably went to medical school, prescribed it…. and it was sitting there, all pertty like, and I’m supposed to take it on day five of my cycle… and low and behold, it happened to be day five. Soooo… I took it. And will take it again and again, for the next few days. AND maybe, just MAYbe….. something will happen.

Deer in Headlights….

The past weeks that I’ve stopped temping have brought me to a stand still. No longer obsessing over temps or every imaginary “symptom,” I am suddenly struck immobile. Stuck in a tic-toc-I’m-40-and-still-not-pregnant panic.

Actually, let me clarify something…. I not reeeeally all the way immobile, since we have been doing SOMETHING… we’ve been following “Scott’s Method” for getting pregnant:

Lots and lots of sex…. and just when you think that you can’t do IT again, do it some more.

Still, here I sit with all the right ingredients inside me, yet no bun in the oven. I really don’t know how to proceed. I feel so lost. I read books where these ANGELIC doctors practically take their patient by the hand and lead them down the right fertility path. A path that isn’t necessarily paved with “$$” signs. Where…. WHERE… WHEEEERE is this doctor in real life??!?

Though I truly enjoyed the doctor who performed my tubal ligation reversal, his path was definitely paved with dollar signs. And though we chose the cheapest path, it still cost us some outta pocket cha-CHING.

So here I sit, wondering what way I’m going to go next. Do we keep up the invigorating pace of the “Scott Method”…..OR, do we go….. to…… another…… fertility clinic.

There’s this pressure that I feel, regardless of whether it makes sense or not, that I’m not living up to my potential. That my body has let me down. Though I can out walk my dogs, my loverrrr and even my 18 year old daughter… the numbers four and zero still have affixed themselves like a badge on my chest.

At this point I’ve had surgery, given up coffee, have been driving an hour and fifteen minutes once a week for acupuncture and have been avoiding soy products (tough for someone who is not eating meat).

Next month will be six months of trying. Time is ticking away and I’ve got to decide what is next. Fertility clinic, taking Clomid…. or just letting “nature take its course” and hope for the best.

Hmmm….. I really don’t have an answer yet. But the clock is telling me that the Jeopardy game show music is about to end and it’s time for my final answer.

to be continued…..

The C-Word



And that was the sound of my faux-OCD-self coming to a complete halt in this baby making business. NO, we’ve not put our plans on hold, just the obsessing part. And when I talk about the obsessing part… in all fairness, there is no “WE” involved…. just little ol’ mature-maternal-baby-making aged me.

When you find yourself peeing on a pregnancy test for the third time in one day, you might have a problem. And the crabbiness that results from monitoring my barren womb THAT closely…ON TOP of having just given up coffee…. well, that doesn’t exactly build the type of environment that makes the baby MAKING part of the equation organically happen. Do you get what I’m saying??

Sandy’s Simple How NOT to Make a Baby Equation:

Me (-coffee) + obsessing = shrew

shrew + man = no nudge-nudge-wink-wink

IF (nudge-nudge-wink-wink = NO)   THEN (no babies)

It was with the above knowledge in mind that I sat in the kitchen with the prescription of Clomid in my hand. Clomid, for those of you who are unfamiliar, is a common fertility medicine. It will trick your body and mess with your hormones to pop out some eggs. Some of the side effects include multiples (as in TWINS), hot flashes, bloating, and mood swings. Interestingly enough, it wasn’t the twins part of that information that scared me. Like I said before, I’m too old to be havin’ to have babies one at a time, so twins would be a welcome Clomid side effect.  HOWEVER,  it was THE OTHER side effects that had me petrified. I feared what would happen to my relationship if I was a woman experiencing PMS on steroids.

So it’s with Scott’s blessing that I’m taking a break from all the extra’s involved in this process. I’ve not taken my temperature in over a week and there has been no peeing on any sort of stick. … and the Clomid remains in its container…… for now.