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biological clock

Tiny Little Bubbles….

In an out-of-body sort of way, I look at how I’m responding to this baby making stuff and it shocks me. I am the one who is cool under pressure. I am mostly in tune with my logical self and my own parents described as an Ice Princess… but here I am, having emotional break downs in doctors offices.

Let me rewind a little bit to explain why I was at the doctors office this time….

After we found out about all the costs associated with the tests required by the clinic before we were accepted into the “free ivf” research program, my bubble was burst. With the burst a little bit of crazy leaked out. And when the crazy leaks out…. well, it just has to sort of dissipate before I can get on with things.

My first mini-breakdown was at home, when I informed my significant other that I am done with the baby making and wanted to take a break from it for a year. I accused him of not being involved and said I felt like I was doing this all on my own. I suggested that he was not worried about any biological clocks, probably because his was far from being up so he can’t feel my urgency. I should mention that he was just waking up and his eyes were barely open. I should also mention that I’m paraphrasing.

My guy is mellow. He patiently let the crazy talk flow and when I went back to work, he got on the computer and found another clinic participating in the same study. He made a few phone calls, asked a ton of questions…. .and now all of a sudden we’re back in the game.

Turns out, the individual clinics can decide what tests they’ll include in the study. A couple of the more pricey tests the other clinic wanted me to have before we were accepted, this new clinic will give for free after we’re accepted. There are still some tests I need to do, but this new clinic has been very helpful in sharing tips on how to cut the costs of the initial tests. It’s looking hopeful again….

And that’s how I found myself in the doctors office today, having breakdown number two. One of the tests that the other clinic said I needed to have is a Day 3 FSH test. Today was my day three… can’t have a day three test on day four…. so HAD to have it today, or wait another month. Time is ticking… TICKING …. ticking….. so I called my primary physicians office and asked if they could order the tests for me. They said they wouldn’t order the tests without my coming into the office and discussing it with a doctor. Ok, fine… I set an appointment. An appointment that I write down wrong. This meant that I was ten minutes late arriving at my doctors office. I had to wait behind two other (slow moving) people checking in, so by the time I check in, I’m 15 min’s late. The receptionist informs me that I’m late and will probably not be able to be seen. She said she’d go and ask the nurse practitioner if she’d still be willing to see me, which of course she wasn’t. I explain that I just need 5 min’s of somebody’s time to write an order for blood work. She say’s sorry, but I was late…. blah blah blah… and this is where my mini-breakdown number two starts.

I put both hands on the counter and talk slowly…. explaining that I have been coming here for 13 years and have never been late, but have often waited in the waiting room way past my appointment time. I explained that I NEED to get this blood work today. I explained that I’d been fasting since 8pm the previous night…. and all I need is 5 min’s…. so I can get blood work that a fertility clinic is requiring that I get. Again, I’m paraphrasing.

I say a bunch more, it just sort of spills out, a bit disjointed. She says she can reschedule me and after she tappity taps on her keyboard, she says that she can get me in at 10:20, that would be just another 20 minute wait. I told her I’d take it and I go and sit down….

Over 40 minutes later, I’m going into the dr’s office.

Without going into details, let me just say that my previous appointment at this doctor’s office was very unpleasant, mainly because I heard them laughing at my expense in the hallway. So perhaps it was a mixture of that last appointment and with the rudeness of how I was treated on this one, plus this feeling like everything (regarding my fertility) is just falling apart…. all these combinations of situations that have me pretty tightly wound…. it just was too much and I started crying in the room. I just lost it.

In the end, the nurse I saw was VERY nice and helped to make sure that I got the tests ordered that I needed. I went to the lab, got a needle stuck in my arm, and then quickly headed off to Starbucks to find comfort in a Venti Caramel Macchiato.

There are still hurdles and red tape…. but we’re again in the game. Maybe by the end of this month we’ll know if we’ll be getting IVF, maybe in March or April.

UPDATE: The nurse practitioner I saw called me this evening… .with my 3-day level results. They are NOT as good as they were a year and a half ago. While my FSH is in a decent range (5.61), my estradiol levels have shot up. They used to be 50 and now are 92. I don’t know what that means. Also, my LH is lower than what normal range is and I don’t know what that means. But anything that is not in range…. well, that can’t be good.

ANOTHER UPDATE: Just spoke with woman from the research study and told her my newly updated levels…. she said that they would NOT disqualify us from the study. YAY! :)

Universe are you there? It’s me… Sandy.

I was truly expecting that I’d be expecting after only one month of trying. From the depths of my inner being I just KNEW it was fated.  After all, I AM a positive thinker.

Perhaps I didn’t phrase it correctly when I presented the universe with my intentions, because here I am five months later and my womb is still vacant.

After the deed wasn’t accomplished in that first month… I began to worry. This is fated, right? RIGHT?!?!??  Well, if the Universe was going to make me work for this, then I decided I’d better get serious about it…. Time to get educated. Time to get my laptop out and visit some forums…..

Immediately I encountered a problem…. I had no friggon idea what they were talking about. I mean, literally… no idea what they were even discussing. See for yourself, here’s a typical forum post:

“Me and my DH BD’d 15 days ago, then he had to go out-of-town. When he got back, 5 days ago, we bd again. Now I’m 6dpo and I couldn’t help but poas, because I’m addicted lol. Thing is, I got a BFP!!!! Does that mean I calculated wrong?!?”

Seriously! That’s what It was like. I felt like I was back in school and having to look up every word I didn’t understand… jotting down the definitions, so I would remember what they meant for the next time.

(FYI: the above fictitious post was a woman talking about having sex with her husband 15 days ago and then again after his business trip, 5 days ago. She’s now thinking shes 6 days after ovulation and she got a positive pregnancy test. So she’s thinking that she messed up her ovulation calculations.)

When I first started wandering around the forums, I was SHOCKED at how many YOUNG women out there are unable to get pregnant. How is this possible?? And what does that mean for me? Here are 20 year old’s talking about how they’ve been trying to conceive for months and months…. and still nothing. There are posts I read from women in their early 30’s who had already opted into IVF treatments and have still not gotten pregnant…. So five months in, compared to many of the women on the forums, doesn’t seem very far in it at all. However, my being 40 adds more pressure to the timing. For a woman of mature maternal age, the game changes. It’s like counting in dog years…… my eggs have no doubt accelerated their aging process and now are kickin’ it 7 times as fast as a 20 year olds!

I promised myself that I would not panic…. I would not become as crazy as some of the crazy I witnessed on the forums. I would not start stomping my feet (metaphorically or otherwise) while yelling at the universe about how my biological clock is TIC-TIC-TICKING!!!! And though the 15 pregnancy tests and 25 ovulation test strips underneath my bathroom sink are sorta screaming, “Tooooo late, you’re there…” I am trying to do my best to keep sane, stay positive and not give up hope.

But my foot is twitching and I might feel a stomp coming on….