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September, 2011:

That was then. This is now….

I’m officially two weeks away from being full term. My doctor even said so, thus making it law. I’m so excited and petrified! I can’t help but think how they’re so much easier to take care of when they’re still neatly packaged within the womb! Soon there will be crying (or, let’s be more accurate, screaming!) accompanying his wiggles. Soon there will be feedings that don’t’ just involve me helping myself to a seconds at dinner. And soon there will be poopy diapers, in all their stinking glory, helping to bring the reality home….. We are not longer pregnant; we are zombie-tired parents at the beck and call of our little boy.

I feel like I’m in a state of limbo. I feel that I’ve read myself out. I can no longer read ahead in the “What to Expect While You’re Expecting” book, because I’m near the end stretch. I HAVE read it all, so much so that I can practically recite what I should be feeling during this week, as well as the next 5 weeks, or tell you that, “YES, peeing every 10 minutes is normal behavior at this stage of the game.” So instead of reading, now I just mainly stare at a calendar. I’m so ready to get to the finish line and exhale. …

I never worried while pregnant with Sonora. Probably it was because I was 21 and had that feeling of invincibility, not so in touch with the fragility of life. It never even occurred to me that I had anything to worry about. This time around …. GAH! I’ve been holding my breath the whole time. I would get to some milestone, like 12 weeks, only to hear of someone else sadly having a miscarriage. Then I would get to 20 weeks and again, hear of another of tragic loss. I would go online and read statistics of survival rates of micro-preemies, just to give myself some sort of comfort that my baby WAS viable if the worst case scenario would have happened. Someone should have seriously taken my internet access away!! I have been pretty masochistic in my surfing behavior.

Epiphany! The internet hadn’t been a household item when I was pregnant with Sonora, otherwise… I probably would have been holding my breath back then too!!

While the internet has been feeding into my worry-wart-ways, it has also been a blessing. Back when I was pregnant with Sonora, if I wanted to shop for baby items, I had to *gasp* go to the store! The only super highway I was traveling on, was the one leading south to a bigger city. And that highway was anything but super, seeing how it only had two lanes…

Yup, things have changed a lot in the past 19 years. When I gave my daughter her first bath, I pulled out the “What to Expect the First Year” book and propped it open by the sink. This go around, it will be my laptop with a Youtube video sitting just out of splashing distance from the sink.

34 Week Update

And here we are, fast forwarding a month since my last entry…..

I’m now 34 weeks and the big day is racing towards me. I’m both excited and terrified, a mix of :“I can’t believe we did it!!” with the terrified part of me asking, “what have we done?!?!?” Meanwhile, in the last month we’ve completed a birthing class, had a wonderful baby shower and have started trying to figure out where all the baby stuff is going to go in our very tiny house.

It all still seems so surreal. I can’t believe the tubal reversal worked. Even with my little guy squirming about like he’s religiously practicing Taekwondo, I am still in shock that I’m actually pregnant. And even more shocked that we’re approaching the finish line of the pregnancy.

I’m still stuck in this “I’ve been struck dumb and speechless” mode, thus the lack of blog entries. I don’t know if it’s still that feeling of “don’t move and scare it all away” that’s going on with me, or I’m just scared. Either way, the words are like pulling teeth.

So it’s with a stunted peck-peck-peck at the keyboard that I am attempting to write and it’s just not working. So I will just conclude with this thought that keeps circling round and round in my brain:

Things are about to change in my life and the next 18+ years will never be the same….