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December, 2010:

Infertility is a misogynistic disorder….

This “rant” is not based on anything but opinion, since I didn’t fact check one ounce of this brain spew…. it’s just an observation from a slightly bitter and very barren me.


Infertility is totally sexist. Yes, it affects couples, but really the majority of women I come across on the sites are the one’s being treated for and actively engaged in fighting infertility. Infertility, for the most part, is quite a misogynistic condition.


For one thing, the mere act of aging and turning another day older will guarantee another step towards the inevitable decline of a woman’s ability to conceive. But for a man…. as long as he can still get jiggy with it and hobble to the bed (couch or kitchen counter) he can procreate to the grave!


I have male counter parts who are dating with the same age gap as I*…. but the struggle to conceive would be inconceivable, if say, they were to wake up one day and decide they wanted to pop a few more progeny out.


(*10 year gap, for those keeping track)


I am in the midst of another “lets not try” month. I suppose we’ve only had two of these. This one is easier because I have the potential IVF looming in the near future. As I filled out the chapters of paper work the fertility clinic sent me, I had to look up where I was at in my current cycle. This was a forced cheat and I am not to blame for having to “pay attention” for a moment as to where I am ovulation wise. It’s funny, one look at the fertility calendar I keep and my brain instantaneously runs off with the facts, figures and statistics…. the good news is that even if I wanted to jump in and start “trying” this month, the fertile time frame has already past. Yes, a mere second and my brain figured that out. And that is a good example of why I say that infertility is directed at woman. What man passes his significant others fertility calendar and has any idea what in the hell he is looking at, or does calculations as to whether or not IT (bow wow chicka bow wow) should be on the agenda for the evening.


I don’t want to be in this place of trying for another 2 years…. I give mad props to the women out there who have hung in it for that long, I’m just not going to be one of them. I’ve decided that I’ll give it a go for a year, maybe a year and a half…. but after that, I’m not going to call it a night.


When I say that I don’t consider myself to be infertile, I mean it. True, my age might dictate that I’m less than fertile… but I think that I am far more impatient, then infertile. I don’t want to be 43 and pregnant. I don’t want to be 42 and pregnant… I want to be 40 or 41.


People always say that there are “options”…. but friggon hell, not only is infertility sexist, it’s damn expensive too! We’ve already spent some serious CHAching on this quest…. and I feel fortunate that we even had the money to spend. But we’re not a bottomless pit of money and our bank account is not that of Celine Dion.


The appointment with the fertility clinic is one week from Monday….. and I hope that we come away with some idea of whether or not we’re going to be able to participate in the research program or not. I’ve already decided that if we do get to participate in the free IVF program and if it doesn’t take, I only want to pay out-of-pocket one more time for IVF and probably with donor eggs. After that…. I think we need to look into adoption.


Not Pregnant

I do not consider myself infertile, which is ironic because I’m seemingly not able to get pregnant….

The Clomid did not work. I could feel the Clomid in my system, since I would wake up in the middle of the night feeling pretty damn nauseous. As for poppin’ the eggs out, I don’t know that it did . At first I was excited, because I didn’t experience any of my normal PMS-y type of stuff when I should have been. I was confused because the pregnancy tests were coming back negative, but the PMS was not kicking in. I was about to declare Clomid worth in, just because I thought I wasn’t having any PMS.

Me: I should be PMS-ing, but I don’t feel suicidal at all… isn’t it grand?!?
Him: Really, this is PMS week?? You’re not homicidal either! YAY!

Turns out Clomid didn’t do away with the PMS, nor knock me up, it just delayed my cycle. About a week later my suicidal/homicidal tendencies kicked in. All was back to norm and another month was shot down.

I’ve always been under the assumption that it was the fertility meds that wreaked havoc on a relationship, but now I think it’s the baby making business in general that does it. This month I was asked once again to give up the temping and charting…. and to just let things happen. He told me that he loves the thought of having children with me, but that this baby making is ruining our relationship. I’m too focused on it. I’m too driven. The sex is becoming too scheduled and then the mating frenzy tends to fade out at the end of the month when the big “O” is past and there is no chance of impregnation. (“o” is for ovulation)

And here is where the curse of being a cougar comes into play. He’s 30…. I am not. Two 30 somethings walk into a bar and fall in love… they have another good 5 or 6 years of playing it cool with the “lets see what happens and lets go with the flow-free-lovin-sex….” But for me, I’m 40… in another 5 or 6 years I’m not only 40, but I’m in my LATE 40’s. That baby makin magic will long be dead at that point.

Quite a quandary I find myself in. To make a baby without TRYING to make a baby, AND to get this done within the next couple of years.

So I agree, again, to just stop with the trying…. And then, just like that, an interesting development occurs. A friend spots an ad in the online SF Chronicle telling of FREE IVF. He forwards the ad link to me and I call the number. There is a new drug study going on across the United States and San Jose has one of the clinics participating in the study. It’s a drug that will cut down the daily shots involved with IFV to just one shot per week. It’s a drug that’s already in use in Europe…..

I’m game! So I call up and answer some preliminary questions and am ok’d to proceed. I was to set up an appointment and get some tests done, if all my levels are good… we’re in. Free IVF!!!

I’m not counting my chickens yet…. but I’m super hopeful. My appointment is in a couple of weeks… After that, I don’t know what the time frame will be. Perhaps in two months time I will be getting daily shots into my stomach… and in two months two weeks, I’ll be getting implanted with two embryos… and in three months time…. maybe, just maybe…. I’ll finally be seeing two lines on a pee stick.

In between days….

I’m in the midst of another *two week wait. I’m getting damn good at these. The first month we were trying, I was a total hyper-hypo and “felt” alllll sorts of symptoms. Now-a-days I just sort of lose track where I am, until I get close to a test date day…. But this month, since I have barely any pregnancy tests left (having peed through my bulk order in previous months early-testing-frenzies) I am now going to have to wait until I get to the end of the two weeks, which is next week sometime.

The cruel irony is that the second half of the two-week wait is PMS week. Which mean that when I’ve been finding out that yet another month has gone by and still no double lines…. I’m a PMS-y mess. Plus, many of the signs of PMS mimic the signs of pregnancy and vice versa.

So here I sit, wondering to myself if these things I feel are the arrival of Aunt Flo, or am I not going to see her for another 9 months?!? So far I’m experiencing all of my typical signs of PMS:

  • Urge to get a bad haircut
  • Elevated irritation with bf’s nocturnal sleeping habits
  • The “SCREW exercise!” attitude
  • Irritability
  • Wanting to get married
  • Craving chocolate
  • Aversion to the scale

But I took Clomid, DAMNIT! We’re supposed to be knocked up with twins this month!!! Alas, it’s looking like another month where I will be greeted by single lines on the stick. *sigh* Meanwhile, the clock ticks down closing out another two week wait…

*A two week wait, for those of you not in the know, is this: the two weeks following ovulation. During that time conception and implantation takes place…. leading up to where your body will spit out a bunch of pregnancy hormones that will magically make that second-YOU-ARE-PREGNANT-line appear on a pregnancy test.  The earliest you can test and get a positive is typically 10 days, depending on the sensitivity of the test. A lot of women will just wait until their period is due, which puts it at around two weeks after ovulation.