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Deer in Headlights….

The past weeks that I’ve stopped temping have brought me to a stand still. No longer obsessing over temps or every imaginary “symptom,” I am suddenly struck immobile. Stuck in a tic-toc-I’m-40-and-still-not-pregnant panic.

Actually, let me clarify something…. I not reeeeally all the way immobile, since we have been doing SOMETHING… we’ve been following “Scott’s Method” for getting pregnant:

Lots and lots of sex…. and just when you think that you can’t do IT again, do it some more.

Still, here I sit with all the right ingredients inside me, yet no bun in the oven. I really don’t know how to proceed. I feel so lost. I read books where these ANGELIC doctors practically take their patient by the hand and lead them down the right fertility path. A path that isn’t necessarily paved with “$$” signs. Where…. WHERE… WHEEEERE is this doctor in real life??!?

Though I truly enjoyed the doctor who performed my tubal ligation reversal, his path was definitely paved with dollar signs. And though we chose the cheapest path, it still cost us some outta pocket cha-CHING.

So here I sit, wondering what way I’m going to go next. Do we keep up the invigorating pace of the “Scott Method”…..OR, do we go….. to…… another…… fertility clinic.

There’s this pressure that I feel, regardless of whether it makes sense or not, that I’m not living up to my potential. That my body has let me down. Though I can out walk my dogs, my loverrrr and even my 18 year old daughter… the numbers four and zero still have affixed themselves like a badge on my chest.

At this point I’ve had surgery, given up coffee, have been driving an hour and fifteen minutes once a week for acupuncture and have been avoiding soy products (tough for someone who is not eating meat).

Next month will be six months of trying. Time is ticking away and I’ve got to decide what is next. Fertility clinic, taking Clomid…. or just letting “nature take its course” and hope for the best.

Hmmm….. I really don’t have an answer yet. But the clock is telling me that the Jeopardy game show music is about to end and it’s time for my final answer.

to be continued…..

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