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November, 2010:

40 is the new 20, unless you’re a worry wart!

There has been many-a-recent day that I’ve felt like a 40 year old EMO, sans black garb and piercings.  And many-a-recent day where bleakness has me cranking up the likes of Damien Rice and letting the tears flow….

(  I know, I know… Rice is not EMO, but I said I was LIKE EMO, not EMO… which is similar to Madonna singing about being LIKE a virgin…when she clearly wasn’t.)

Recently a certain someone-someone told me that I look way younger than my birth age,  BUT ONLY when I’m happy….. He went on to explain the conditional aspect of that compliment by telling me that when I am NOT happy, like when  I’m stressed or angry, I look much older.  GAH!!  Now part of me thinks that this could just be a clever ploy on his part to push my vanity button, so that I find motivation to climb out of this sink hole I’ve gotten myself in and he gets to hang out, once again, with a way mellower sun-shiny me….. You know what?!?? It worked.  Though I can’t afford Botox, I sure as hell can afford the time and energy it will take to get the sparkle back into my shine…..

So how did I get here?? When did the gray start to cloud out my color? I really don’t know…  All I know is I have been having a hard time lately with my optimism. It’s like I can’t close off the “what if” worst-case-scenario part of my brain. The irony here is that I’m a total believer in positive thinking.  But lately I find the “rules” that go along with that whole concept to be annoying.  For those of you not familiar with what I’m talking about, let me summarize positive thinking with a few of its basic concepts:

  • Thoughts become things
  • You must thank the universe for what you want, as if you already have it, with “I am thankful for… “ as in “I am thankful for my healthy pregnancy”
  • You must say “I am” statements to the universe, as in “I AM pregnant”
  • You must tell the universe your intentions, as in “It’s my intention to be pregnant”

Yes, for some this might be a bit woo-woo, but I’m a woo-woo sorta gal…. at least I used to be.  Somehow I need to find myself back into that positive woo-woo thinking state, without being resentful.  Lately, I get frustrated with the rules and feel like the universe is game playing me. It’s like the universe is saying,  “Sure, you can go to the party, but wait!  You forgot to say the magic phrase, so now I’m going to renege my answer and you can’t go… .nanna-nanna-naaaaaa-naaaaa!”   And even if I didn’t have to phrase things “just so”, it’s hard to let go and just accept that things are going to turn out…

See, there I go breaking the rules AGAIN… with all the negativity and by questioning the end game.  GAH!! I feel my forehead furrowed and my age-ith do show-ith.

This is not a blog where I wrap it up by telling you how I’ve overcome this dilemma.  No, this is just a bit of me “talking” out loud regarding the thoughts in my brain. I have no answers at the moment… I just know that perhaps as a starting place, perhaps I need to put aside my Damien Rice and put in George Michael instead.  Because at the end of the day, I’ve gotta have faith. I’ve gotta have faith-a-faith-a-faith!

Two Cents From a Buttinsky….

Perusing the various internet forums is a voyeuristic experience. Well, maybe not if you were at a site that was discussing electronics or gardening….. but baby making? GAH! Baby making sites have some serious boundary issues! You will hear all amounts of sorted details from a couples private life. During a recent visit, I couldn’t help but wonder if the husband knew that his wife is telling everyone that they missed the ovulation time frame because he “couldn’t finish”…

In addition to knowing where every women is in her monthly cycle and just how often every couple on the site are doing IT, there is actually something a bit more disturbing to be witnessed. Over and over again I will see women who are self-prescribing everything from taking over the counter herbal progesterone, to buying unprescribed Clomid off the internet. Not trying to be the naysayer, but I can’t help but ask: how many women are unwittingly dooming their own fertility by taking something that their body might not need??

Blood test ladies…. BLOOD TESTS! Unless your name is Superman, prefixed with “Dr.”, you’re not going to know what’s going on in your inner regions without getting a BLOOD TEST. Just because something is herbal, doesn’t mean it can’t mess with your hormonal balance and unless you know what your hormonal levels are, you don’t know what, if anything, needs tweaking.

But I get the frustration that might lead a woman to trying to do it on her own…

When I wanted to find out about where my fertility life-span was in the big scheme of things, to see if it even had a pulse still, my gynecologist said, “my advice is that you should have started on baby making yesterday…” and since at that point I would need a tubal ligation surgery, he added that I’d have to find a doctor that was familiar with the procedure, because he was not. NO referrals were giving, I was just on my way with the reinforced panicky feeling that I was starting a day too late. Not finding any real answers there, I decided to take my question to my regular doctors office, where I was told “this is not my area of medical expertise, but I’ll certainly order the tests, but I won’t be able to advise you on the results….” A year-ish later when I finally took the test results to a fertility doctor, he said my numbers looked good and everything was within normal ranges.

So yes, I totally get the frustration, my gawd I am still frustrated with the lack of hand holding that I’ve experienced. I’ve already bemoaned the fact that I’ve not been able to find a doctor that makes me feel confident about any sort of fertility-plan-o-action… But I do know that there are doctors out there who are willing to supervise the whole process. I’ve come across women on sites who have them. But, it seems to me, the vast majority of us out there do not have that sort of doctor.

I’m a little to A.D.D to start coming up with my own plan. My brain won’t stop thinking and questioning everything. My brain can be like a worry-wart juggler of facts who, when it’s all up in the air, is too concerned with dropping anything and can’t fully concentrate on just one thing….put too much in there and my worry-wart brain freaks out. SO, I try and keep it simple. Maybe this A.D.D self is what has kept me from trying to do my own self-prescribing….. because I’m a worry-wart-cluck-cluck-chicken.

And now, here I am, worrying about the other women out there! If I were to be able to offer some of the women out there some unsolicited advice, just because I’m feeling like a buttinsky, I’d tell them to go and get blood work done! Just because Mariah Carrey took progesterone and had acupuncture, does not mean it’s a cure-all-baby-making-plan for all women.

ANYway… that’s my two cents.


If someone were to ask me if I were accident prone, I’d whole heatedly deny it. But then, if they persisted and asked a few more questions, there might be doubt cast on my denial.

Question : Have you ever been in any jarring event, something that snaps your neck or body??

Answer: Um, I’d like you to meet LOLA and LULU… my two chocolate labs. Every walk with them has a snap-crackle-pop!

Question: Have you ever fell??

Answer: You mean like down the stairs?? There’s been….. a few times.

Question: Have you ever been in a collision?

Answer: Well, not a car wreck, if that’s what you mean.

Question: Have you ever collided with something other than a car??

Answer: Yes, my vacuum cleaner.

Question: Your vacuum cleaner?!?

Answer: Yes. A few times.

Question: How did you collide with your vacuum?

Answer: While vacuuming the stairs… what goes up, must come down….. OH WAIT, now that I think about it, I WAS in a car accident. I totaled my car. Forgot about that one.

Question: Have you ever had a sports related injury?

Answer: Define sport…

Question: Any activity while you were being active….

Answer: Well, I shot off the back of a treadmill once… oh wait, I think that happened twice. And then there was the time I went snow boarding

Question: How is your desk at work?? How do you sit?? Are you ergonomically correct??

Answer: Um, pass…. Next question….

AND the list could go on and on…. IF I were to be asked the right questions.

Sooooo, guess who had a chiropractic appointment today?? And guess who is totally outta whack and misaligned. Yes, that would be me. For a couple weeks my neck has been wound tighter than the inside of a golf ball (that would be reference to a golf ball from my childhood, they might have different stuff in them now). Coincidentally, a friend suggested that I go to a chiropractor for fertility and it was on my list of things to do. So, even if my neck wasn’t messed up, I was planning on making my way to an office soon. Wouldn’t it be wild if I wind up pregnant this month?? I mean aside from the fact that IT WOULD be wild, but you know what I mean. WHAT I’m trying to say is that I’m a bit woo-woo…. and I find myself with this reoccurring neck issue, one that has been coming and going for a few years. But this time it’s sticking around with no relief in site, so much so that it’s making me turn to chiropractic care sooner than I would have done. And what do I find, that my whole lower back, in addition to my upper back and neck, are totally messed up!

Yes, yes… I can hear the skeptic out there saying “it’s a sham, of course they’re going to say you’re messed up…” BUT, to those nay-sayers…. I point out the above question/answer section. I do not exaggerate! And all that jarring had to do something, right??

I suppose, in the end… the pee stick will do the talking. I either will be greeted with one line, or two. AND no matter which one greets me, at least by then I’ll have a happy neck. I hope.

Perfectly Imperfect

This morning, before work, I drank a decaf latte’….. this afternoon, after work, I popped a Clomid. And this evening, on the drive home from my acupuncture appointment, I contemplated how I can let loose and let go and stop being so uptight…. my gawd, I am a woman who spell checks her drunk emails.

I’m not exactly sure how I’m going to de-anal my anal… but I think that for the sake of my tense neck, and my relationship, I’m going to have to start letting things go. Shake the crazy out a bit and just live.

The irony of this is that I’m a failed perfectionist, because the perfection is not what is accomplished, but the expectations that I put on myself in my mind. I can never live up to the to-do list in my brain. So I am always behind in what I want to be and where I want to be….

SO, my assignment, should I choose to accept it… is to de-anal my holiday season. I figure that’s a good place to start, since gobble-gobble day is fast approaching. I will let myself off the hook and just figure that my house is NOT going to be perfect for the arrival of the boyfriend’s mom’s week long stay… to balance things out, I will play a marathon of “Hoarders” on the TV and my house will look pristine by comparison!

And yes, I was not kidding… I did take Clomid. I figure why the hell not. My doctor, who presumably went to medical school, prescribed it…. and it was sitting there, all pertty like, and I’m supposed to take it on day five of my cycle… and low and behold, it happened to be day five. Soooo… I took it. And will take it again and again, for the next few days. AND maybe, just MAYbe….. something will happen.

Once in a Lifetime…

David Byrne once said, “You may ask yourself, well, how did I get here?” and if I were to answer him…. I’d have to say, “I really don’t know…”

As it turns out, it was not the hectic schedule of baby making that had me crabby…. no, it’s just life in general. On paper every thing is easy: Emotion is easy. Relationships are easy. Jobs are easy. Parenting is easy. Raising dogs is easy. Keeping up on the house is easy. Waking up at 7 a.m is easy. Cooking is easy. Working out is easy. Taking your daily vitamins is easy. Decluttering is easy. Cleaning the garage is easy. Being social is easy. Drinking 8 oz of water is easy. Finding yourself…. it’s all easy. Put the figurative pencil down and actually IN REAL LIFE start on the list of things to-do, all of a sudden it’s not so easy.

Last week I made an appointment for this Wednesday at a fertility clinic, but today I called and canceled the appointment.

Life on paper I can handle…. but in real life, lately I’ve started cracking at the seam. I want to be this superwoman, this cougar-about-town… but instead, I started cracking from the weight of everything raining down. Everything started happening at once. My boyfriend lost his job, my 18 year old daughter flew out of the nest, my boyfriend moved in, we’re merging, my body is aging…. there has been job seeking, house hunting, baby making, empty nesting, visitors visiting, dog walking, weight gaining, no-coffee drinking, co-habituating…. and everything, EVERYTHING, is in flux. I could not tell you where I will be in three months and that is freaking me all the hell out.

On paper I am a saint. A SAINT. But in real life, I’m a porcupine. Cute from a distance, but a bit prickly to live with. And tired of getting poked (in a bad way) my boyfriend has decided to take a break for a bit and has hit the road….. I can’t say I blame him. At the moment I think that the only ones who really can tolerate me are my dogs. But only if I walk them….

ANYway… I wasn’t going to blog this…. but it’s part of the process. If we make it through this and end up pregnant…. this was part of the process. So here it is. I wish I could jump into the figurative piece of paper, like an Aha video, but this is reality…. though sometimes it feels unreal.

David Byrne also said, “And she was looking at herself/ And things were looking like a movie/ she had a pleasant elevation/ she’s moving out in all directions/ oh oh oh….”

I can not help but wonder how the movie ends…

Deer in Headlights….

The past weeks that I’ve stopped temping have brought me to a stand still. No longer obsessing over temps or every imaginary “symptom,” I am suddenly struck immobile. Stuck in a tic-toc-I’m-40-and-still-not-pregnant panic.

Actually, let me clarify something…. I not reeeeally all the way immobile, since we have been doing SOMETHING… we’ve been following “Scott’s Method” for getting pregnant:

Lots and lots of sex…. and just when you think that you can’t do IT again, do it some more.

Still, here I sit with all the right ingredients inside me, yet no bun in the oven. I really don’t know how to proceed. I feel so lost. I read books where these ANGELIC doctors practically take their patient by the hand and lead them down the right fertility path. A path that isn’t necessarily paved with “$$” signs. Where…. WHERE… WHEEEERE is this doctor in real life??!?

Though I truly enjoyed the doctor who performed my tubal ligation reversal, his path was definitely paved with dollar signs. And though we chose the cheapest path, it still cost us some outta pocket cha-CHING.

So here I sit, wondering what way I’m going to go next. Do we keep up the invigorating pace of the “Scott Method”…..OR, do we go….. to…… another…… fertility clinic.

There’s this pressure that I feel, regardless of whether it makes sense or not, that I’m not living up to my potential. That my body has let me down. Though I can out walk my dogs, my loverrrr and even my 18 year old daughter… the numbers four and zero still have affixed themselves like a badge on my chest.

At this point I’ve had surgery, given up coffee, have been driving an hour and fifteen minutes once a week for acupuncture and have been avoiding soy products (tough for someone who is not eating meat).

Next month will be six months of trying. Time is ticking away and I’ve got to decide what is next. Fertility clinic, taking Clomid…. or just letting “nature take its course” and hope for the best.

Hmmm….. I really don’t have an answer yet. But the clock is telling me that the Jeopardy game show music is about to end and it’s time for my final answer.

to be continued…..