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April, 2009:

Book Burnings and Misplaced Keys….

I am not happy with my diary at the moment. I have not kept an old school diary in ages…. and I don’t know that I’ve ever filled one up. This one, all covered in diner shop coffee cup photo’s, is two pages from being filled.  It’s not even four months old and two more pages and I’ll have filled it up….

All of a sudden I’ve got the urge to burn it, one page at a time. I don’t want to reread what these last four months have held for me…. No, I just want to burn it…

Problem is that I don’t have a fire place. I could rip it up into little pieces and go at it in a meticulous-ever-so-slightly-off-her-rocker sort of way. But that’s not it at all. I had this idea, when I started writing, that I would be in a better place at the end of the book. But I’m not. I’m not in a worse place either… but I’m certainly not any closer to being where I want to be.

Maybe I can rip it up in and put it in the blender and make a sort of mulch… then put it out in my garden… oh, wait… I’ve not got a garden. That would seem a bit symbolic and meaningful. Sort of like planting a placenta. Except, it would be my words that sprang from my brain….. and not some icky substance that came out of my uterus.

And…. in her own A.D.D way, she abruptly changes the subject…

When I was a little girl my parents split up more times than Posh Spice (um, Victoria Beckham to those non-musically inclined readers) changes looks. And each time… I knew… I KNEW that this was just a blip on my little life’s radar…. that sooner or later, mommy and daddy would get back together again. AND they did. They always did.

But the thing of it was, that it was this vicious circle…. of arguing, threats, blowups, and moving apart… like the directions on a shampoo bottle… lather, rinse, repeat…

I think that in my early relationships I repeated this cycle. Because there is some kind of comfort in the getting back to the familiarity of where you were… even if it was dysfunctional as hell.

As a child and from a child’s perspective, it felt as if life always worked out. That mommy and daddy always ended up back together…

As an adult, I’ve learned… through trial and error… that life does NOT always work out. That sometimes things don’t get back together… and you must move on.

This has been a painful lesson. Though, I hope… in the long run, one that allows happiness in.

I, for a while, didn’t feel like I had any sort of compass to guide me. I didn’t have any solid example from my parents, I no longer have religion…… but finally… FINALLY…. I’ve found my compass in an unusual way:  I ask myself, “WHAT advice would I give Sonora?”  I love Sonora more than any other human on this planet. I want her to have a happy life, for her to find her passion and pursue it,  to not waste her days in dead end jobs or going nowhere relationships….. but rather for her to thrive and be happy. That is my goal, this happiness, whenever I disperse any sort of advice her way.

Interestingly enough, it’s not so easy to give myself advice… so lately… when I find myself in a bind, as to what I’m supposed to do. I ask myself what would you tell Sonora.

Funny… I don’t always like the advice I would tell Sonora. In fact, some of the times I fight it. Like today…. I “broke off” dating with the man I’ve been seeing for the last two months. It was a very hard thing to do. I am totally into him… but there were certain things that he and I didn’t see eye to eye on… these were deal breakers for me. I knew that I would continue to be hurt…. and not happy…. if I were to try to ignore and pretend that I was okay with certain things. So, I told him how I felt…. and we decided to “take a break”…. which everyone knows is code words for: relationship ended.

I cried. I cursed my lack of luck in love….and then I did what anyone with *O.W.D would do… I walked.

(*obsessive walking disorder)

The second I closed my front door I knew that I’d forgotten my keys. I practically dumped my purse out on the lawn… but no keys. I swear I’ve never said the F-word as often as I’ve said it in the last two days! So, I have to climb my fence and use my garbage can to climb through a window. Thankfully it was warm enough for me to have had the damn window open. NOT that it was warm… but I was airing out my house.

ANYway… I climb in and get my keys. I take off walking… I decide to go to Taco Bell, since I really had not eaten and it was a destination with some distance to it. I get to Taco Bell and find that they are still under construction for their remodel and only the drive thru is open. DAMN IT! I contemplate getting in line with the other cars….. but decide that I would just piss somebody off who could see through my NOT having a car facade. I opted to walk to McDonalds instead. I hate McDonalds. Though, I do love a McFLurry.

I walk off with my McFlurry…. and think… because that’s what I do when I walk, I think. I decided that at some point in this evening I was going to force myself to write. So, after a bit of sushi and wine… and then a bit more wine…. here I am writing.

As I walked home, I past the spot where the psychic I see puts up shop and has her readings. The sign says she’s in today…. so, I think, “why not….”  She knows me. I’ve been to her a few times, though not lately. She always needs something to hold that is “personal”… I never really come prepared, so I always end up giving her my keys.

She holds my keys and closes her eyes. She says that things have improved since I last saw her… that she’d always seen me in blackness…. but this time I’m in twilight.

I like this.

She says that with twilight the colors are about to break through…. and that things are looking brighter for me. The colors are near….

As for my latest “love”… she says that she sees that he’s not ready yet… that he’s unsure…

She’s correct… she’s exactly dead on.

Skeptics be damned! I left her little curtained off “office” feeling better. Feeling hopeful, because it is true… even though I had to end things today, I am setting boundaries, limits, and standards. EVEN when it’s hard to do…even when I would have much preferred to have him visit this weekend and cuddle into him… ultimately, I need to look out for the big picture….. and for myself.

I’m very sad over the end of this relationship,or whatever it was we were involved in during these last two months…. he is a beautiful man.  IF it were meant to be, it will find it’s way again.

But, until then…. I have to take care of myself.  And yes, I’m holding out for bells and banjo’s.

Meanwhile…. I need to find a place to burn my diary.  I wonder if I could make a fire pit in my backyard….